Once Upon a Time
by batgirl39
Summary: I'm posting this on behalf of my frined Disney. Rated PG13 for some mild sexual innuendo and swearing. Basically a parody of a bunch of Fairy Tales squished into one. Enjoy and RR!


Once Upon a Time   
Once upon a time there was a king and a queen who were very much in love. Out of this love they wished to have a child, but it seemed impossible. The king blamed his wife and called her barren, but really he was just sterile. Being a man, however, he could never admit that it was his fault that he didn't have a child and so he ordered his wife hanged. Scared of dying she prayed and prayed for a son to be born. She wished him to be very charming, to have boyish good looks, hazel eyes and dark, chocolate brown hair. Naturally, her wish to become pregnant was granted by the Fairy Tale Wish Granter who had to show up, otherwise the story would stop here.  
When the king found his wife was pregnant, he rejoiced, he would have a son and he wasn't impudent. Yay for the king! Yay the queen is still alive! So anyway, the queen was pregnant and happy, despite all the morning sickness and the backaches and the headaches and the way the king treated her as if she wasn't 40 pounds heavier with a watermelon in her stomach. At least she wasn't dead. Once she was in labor she realized that "Holy shit, I wish I was dead!"  
Anyway, all throughout her pregnancy she was craving honey. "Mmmm, honey, I could really use some honey."  
"That's nice, dear, why don't you go get some," was the king's response; he barely glanced up from his newspaper. "Fine, I will," she retorted and yelled for a servant. Soon she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy girl. "A girl!" the king shouted, "Woman, you promised me a boy, now you shall hang! But first name this child." He spat out the word child like it was a bad taste in his mouth. "Fine, I name it Honey after the honey I craved and you wouldn't get me all throughout my pregnancy." "That's a terrible name for a terrible child!" shouted the king. Apparently the king felt he needed to shout to be heard, I guess it never occurred to him that being the king meant that everyone always listened to him. The queen ignored his stupid remark as she did most of the idiocy he spewed out of his mouth. So the queen was whisked out of the birthing bed, the sheets were burned and she was hanged. Princess Honey was breast fed by her new wet nurse, Matilda, who had six other children with the cook. The king wanted a son and he couldn't exactly have one with the wife he had just killed, so he decided to get himself a new wife. He married an absolutely horrid woman made of pure evil. She was beautiful, but ugly at the same time. Her features were too sharp, her nose too pointy, her cheekbones too high, her breasts pointed out like machine guns and her laugh was just plain scary. As it turns out, she'd had quite a bit of work done for someone born around the 15th/16th century. In fact it was quite terrifying to see this woman without her makeup and fake eyelashes. Just thinking about it makes me shudder. So, on with the story. Where was I? Oh, yes, the king was remarried to the classic female Disney villain. Right, so he tried to have a son with her, but being sterile that so wasn't happening. Sucks for him, no, wait, sucks for Honey's evil stepmother. But before he can order her dead creepy thing walking (although she already looked half dead, I'll just add in here how pale her skin was, like this woman was fucking albino or something!) he died. Now, he didn't just fall down dead unexplainably and it wasn't something simple like a heart attack, nah, we're going with more of a Rhold Dahl, wait-how-did-you-say-he-died-and-is-that-even-possible kind of theme. Ok, so he was eaten by a lovesick panda bear. Really, I swear, he went on a trip to China and he didn't see the big signs: "DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS!" Oh well, what can you do? So now Honey is like 13, wait, let's pause here for a second and describe Honey's features. So this girl is totally gorgeous. She has beautiful, blond hair, sparkling blue eyes and a killer body. And this is her at thirteen, I know, you can't wait to see what she looks like when she's fully developed. Well you know what, you're just sick then. That's disgusting; she's just a little girl! Well now, back to the story. So Honey is like 13 and she never knew her mother except for a locket her mother left poor Honey before she was executed. Her father was eaten by a bear and her stepmother was really mean to her. I know, you can't believe it either; how can people be so cruel? It doesn't even make sense because she was so mean to Honey because she was jealous that the king loved Honey more than her. But the king didn't even like Honey; he wanted a boy! Well, the evil stepmother made poor Honey do all kind of chores like cleaning and cooking and anything else she could think of. Honey was basically no longer a princess, just a servant to the queen. The evil queen thought it would be funny to call her Honey Bear because her father was eaten by a bear. I guess she wasn't that clever either. All that poor Cinderbear, no, I mean Honey Bear, whatever, same difference! All that poor Honey Bear could think about was leaving the dreadful castle. All she wanted was to be whisked away by a handsome prince who loved her. I mean, the girl didn't even have any friends, except for her wet nurse who decided that it was about time she stopped breast-feeding the girl because people were starting to wonder. And there was also the cook and all their kids (they were up to nine) who would play with her in the fields and around the castle. Of course she also had the animals, because apparently deer and birds and bunnies (and mice too, but she didn't like mice and would cry when they came near her) were attracted to her marvelous beauty and her perfectly pitched singing voice. On the eve of her sixteenth birthday Honey Bear could take it no longer, she decided if her love wasn't going to come to her, well then she'd just have to go to him! (Or her, this is an open and accepting story.) So she picked up a suitcase, threw some rags in ('cause that's all her stepmother allowed her to wear) and left. On her way out she took some bread from the cook, kissed his 10th baby good-bye (no comment on the amount of sex the cook and the wet nurse must be having) and stole a horse. She was like so out of there. Right after she finished her dramatic song and dance where she breaks into song for no reason and you see just how beautiful she is and it doesn't matter what she's wearing or how dirty she is, she is gorgeous both underneath the dirt and on the inside and nothing can dampen her spirits. She rode and rode and rode looking for the next kingdom when, after ending up back home 12 times she realized maybe she shouldn't be following the path around the castle. (Did I mention she's a dumb blond? No, well I said she was blond didn't I, isn't it implied?) So she finally gets on the right path, not the straight and narrow one, but the one that will take her out of her dead father's kingdom. And she rides and rides for miles still lonely, with only the animals to keep her company. She would sing to the birds and they would sing to her and everyone got along marvelously. She decided to stop at a brook for a small drink of water to quench the thirst burning in her throat and cracking her soft, supple lips. She got down off the horse and began singing, the wind blowing in her hair. A prince who happened to be equally gorgeous as Honey and just happened to be wandering in the same part of the forest trying to get home. He obviously had a terrible sense of direction because he was remarkably close to his castle, but it works for the convenience of the story. Anyway, he heard her voice and was intrigued. So he followed the sound of Honey's lovely voice determined to find and marry its owner. So he sees Honey there singing and cupping water into her hands. She began drinking ravenously, splashing water all over herself and the animals. She devoured her bread like a starving beast, wiped off the crumbs and stood up and began singing once more. The prince watched her as the wind blew through her hair and was completely captivated. Then the wind picked up and blew up her dress. When the prince saw what a fine piece of ass she was he knew he must have her right then and there. So he walked over and began singing with her, scared out of her mind and the best one in her kickboxing class, Honey landed a roundhouse kick to the jaw, a quick jab to the solarplexes and I have to add a knee to the groin, because everyone laughs at a guy getting kicked in the balls, especially by a woman. So that knocked him out for a few minutes, but when he came to he wasn't upset, just in awe that such a beautiful woman knew how to do more than cook and make babies. Well, what can we say, this story just has the recurring motif of men are pigs. No one get offended, I threw in the dumb blond thing, that's a woman thing. Ok, so blonds are the only ones here who are allowed to be offended. Right, so anyway, the prince is still in love with Honey and he really wants her then and there, but being a gentleman he restrains himself and they talk. Honey tells the prince all about her terrible childhood and how she hates her stepmother and she just had to get out of there. The prince tells her that his name is really Prince Self-Centered III named after generations of rich snots who always get what they want just because they're royalty. He also tells her all about how he was turned into a frog because of how incredibly rude he was to some fairy in disguise, but then he was turned back because he tricked some stupid ugly princess into kissing him so he could turn back. He promised to marry her and they could live happily ever after, but when she finally turned him back he spit in her eye and told her that it took way too long for her to kiss him and besides, she tasted really bad, so he left and went back home. After spending the day sharing stories and having a grand old time, the prince decided that he was truly in love. He never realized that you could have an actual conversation with a woman, but not only were they talking, they were laughing and really enjoying themselves. In fact he hadn't even noticed the sun had gone down until he realized that he could no longer see Honey's pretty face. Intrigued, the prince decided to take fair Honey back home with him and introduce her to his mother. Finally arriving back at his castle after way too many wrong turns to even go through, the prince walked Honey to the gate of his castle. They stood there and stood there, but the gate didn't open. "Come on guys!" the prince whined, "open the gate! It's not funny, let me in!" Honey heard chuckles from above and then the gate slowly opened. They walked to the drawbridge and after some more coaxing and laughing, the drawbridge was released and they crossed to the door. "Guys, this isn't funny, open the door. I'm the prince; I could have your head for this." "Chill out, dude, we're just kidding with you," came the reply "jeez, someone's touchy today." Embarrassed, but still in one piece, the prince escorted his lovely find into his castle and introduced her to his parents. His mother was right away disgusted at her appearance in her rags and there was an unpleasant smell coming from her as if she had been touching animals all day. The king however was fair and decided to give her a chance. "Turn around my dear and let me get a look at you," he said. She did and the king took a look at her fine, supple rear and gave his son a thumbs-up sign. The queen detested Honey even more after that. "I don't like her," stated the queen. "She's a disgusting peasant; you'll just have to get rid of her. You know you can't marry a girl your mother doesn't like; it's the law of the land." "What do you mean get rid of her? Mother I love her! You can't just dismiss the girl you're going to marry. And she's no peasant, she's wearing rags because of her stepmother, she was born to the king and queen of the next town over, but since her parents died she was raised by a wet nurse and her stepmother." "Wait, do you mean that idiot king who got eaten by a bear?" "Yes," said Honey, "that's my father, he was a wonderful man and I miss him very much." "No! That's worse than being married to a peasant, Self-Centered, you can't marry a complete idiot." "But Mamma, she's not a complete idiot; she's the daughter of a complete idiot. There's a difference!" he whined. "Well, if you really love her, in order to marry her, she has to prove herself as a real princess, we'll give her a test." The next day, the queen thought of a terrible test to give Honey. There was no way she was letting her son marry that piece of white trash. So she thought of all the stupid questions she could and poor Honey would have to answer them to the best of her ability. She asked her the name of rivers and towns and cities. She asked Honey geography questions and history questions, but Honey got them all right. After all, without any friends, all Honey had to do between chores was read, and her father had collected quite a magnificent library. Honey had read every book in there. When the queen asked her science questions, she got those right too. So the queen decided to switch categories. "I will give you three chances to guess my name." So Honey thought about it. "Is it Queen Latifa?" "Good Lord, no! What on earth would have given you that idea?" "I don't know, I heard that name somewhere." And Honey began to think harder. She knew she had heard Prince Self-Centered III mention it in conversation, but the last thing she was going to listen to was stories about his mother. "Is it Queen Desperate?" "Nope, one last chance!" The queen smirked, one more guess and she would be rid of this foul smelling creature. "Oh, I know, it's Queen Uptight-Bitch!" "Damn it!" Groaned the queen. Now she would have to think of one last thing to be rid of the girl for good. "Ok, for your last test, to prove you are a true princess, you have to sleep on a bed of 100 feather mattresses and feel a pea at the bottom. No, that's been done. Ok, I've got it; you have to eat 62 jars of pickles." "Wait, what does that have to do with being a princess?" Honey was absolutely horrified, she hated pickles and no one who loved them could eat 62 jars of pickles. "Absolutely nothing, but a princess does what she's told and you will do this or go home. If you do complete this task, I will let you marry my son. If not, I will personally kick you out the door and send you home!" Honey thought about home. Home wasn't truly home, it was a big castle as cold and hard as the stone built from which it was built. "Ok, your majesty, I will do it for the love I have for your son. For him I would drink a pool of urine, a vat of vomit, a pile of dog-" "STOP!" Everyone in the room yelled at once. "Ok, well, I'll just eat the pickles then." So 62 jars of pickles were fetched and the princes went to open the first jar. But try as she might, she couldn't make the airtight cap pop. "Um, darling? could you?" Prince Self-Centered stood up to open the jar for his love. He flexed his muscles a little bit and showed off. Then he sauntered over to the jar, but try as he might he couldn't open it. Neither could the king. So the queen finally walked over. "Are these really so." *Pop* and the lid opened. "I loosened it!" everyone who had tried to open the jar yelled. So Honey picked up the first pickle and put it in her mouth. She slowly began eating all the pickles. When she was done she let out the biggest belch anyone had ever heard. From the back of the room, a man piped up that he was from Guinness and that she had made the record for most pickles consumed in a day and for the world's biggest belch. Disappointed that not only had she lost the bet, but also she now had to let Honey marry her only son and on top of that she helped the wretched thing make two world records. Well, maybe they are in love, she thought. "Child, you have done everything I asked, I now give you permission to marry my son." "Thank you, your majesty," blushed Honey. And Prince Self-Centered III walked over to kiss his bride and she burped pickle into his mouth. "Ew!" He shouted, "I can't believe you just burped pickle into my mouth!" Laughing, the queen demanded they be married at once. Honey was whisked away into a bath and then a beautiful wedding dress that just happened to have been tailored for someone exactly her size was thrown over her head. The castle was immediately transformed into a wedding chapel, and all the townsfolk arrived in their Sunday best to watch the wedding. The priest was waiting at the alter and the Brides and Groomsmen were waiting for the organ player to start the music. All of the animals Honey had befriended were there waiting and so were Honey's wet nurse and the cook and their (now 11) children. There were no objections and the wedding went off without a hitch. That was until the priest said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride." The prince leaned in for his kiss and Honey barfed pickles all over him, on his tux, in his mouth, you name it, there were pickles there. "Well," the prince said, "you said you would eat vomit to prove your love for me, so now here, I eat for you." And the prince began to munch on what she had spewed in his mouth. Then he leaned over and kissed his new bride long and hard on the mouth. "Mmmm, I love pickles," he murmured into her mouth. How many times in a row can I end a sentence will the word mouth? And they lived happily ever after. The end. And I know y'all are so totally grossed out right now, and that's ok. It was meant to be. Oh wait; I forgot a moral. Hmmm, the moral of this story is blondes are stupid and men are too. Wait, I already said that. How about men only want one thing and blondes don't care. No, how about pickles always taste good, even when they come out of someone else's mouth. Nah, I can see you're still too grossed out. I've got it, stories that start with once upon a time are really, really predictable and easy to make fun of. The end! 


End file.
